STANDARDS

Ahem... (insert wildly inappropriate joke here)

SOOOOO, after yesterday's charming little glance into my delicate inner psyche I thought it might be wise, dear reader(s), to entrust you with my eternal happiness. (Oh, yes, I did.)

How do I intend to do this? By allowing you to find me eligible men to date? Oh, H-E-L-L-Z no. (Why? Who did you have someone in mind? Is he cute? And loaded?) No, I'm going to let you be involved, gentle reader(s) by telling you all the simple and straight-forward qualities I expect.. nay! deserve in a life mate. This way the next time I bring home a unsuspecting victim play thing love interest and tell you all about it in a well-written and thought-provoking post (because ALL of my posts are well-written and thought-provoking... especially that one about my boobs), you can wave a warning, figurative finger in my general direction, sweet reader(s), and tell me in a stern but caring voice:

"NO! Bad girl! We do NOT like losers on this website. Stop it. Stop obsessing. Hey! Lookie here! Something shiney. You likey the shiney, don't you?! Yes, you do. Now isn't that better than worrying about that dumb old boy? Wait. What? Shit. Hey! Where are you going?! STOP OBSESSING, GOD DAMNIT. Oh, dear God, you're helpless."

Heh. Not that it will be anything like that.

As I said before, these standards, these qualities, these ideals are quite simple and straight-forward. I'm not demanding. I'm not high maintenance. I'm not looking for the moon on a platter. But I am looking for a few things that will set this guy apart from his contemporaries. A few things that will make me sit up and take notice. Those few things are as follows:

I want someone tall and rugged. We're talking a good 200 lbs but not so much fat as solid, barrel-chested if you will. Someone with legs like tree stumps that go on for days but not too long, rippling yet delicate shoulders, and arms that could bend steel, except not really ripped looking because that's icky. Dark, luxurious hair, almost black yet subtly blond, but not quite is a must and green or blue or brown eyes with flecks of color that pour out emotion and compassion and understanding but not in a sissy little nancy boy sort of way. No, I want me a manly man but one who is in touch with his emotions and likes cuddle in the early morning hours and listen to me talk about my hair and my period and that bitch in accounting. He should be intelligent, well-traveled, quick-witted, charming, and funny, and he must also find me funny, not to mention smart, independent, generous, sweet, kind, and dangerously sexy. He has to read rapturously, type 70 wpm, and like to write me love notes. But not sissy love notes. Manly love notes. And not poetry. He must be able to grow a full beard at will but he must shave it every day except Sunday. He should cook, clean, and take care of my car without a hint of whining or complaint. When in public, he should stoically carry me about on a satin pillow while feeding me chocolate covered strawberries or rubbing my feet (but not at the same time). Also, he should be able to fly.

[Ed. Note] Alright. Let's be completely honest because this thing isn't nearly as funny as I was hoping for. You know what single quality genuinely matters? The bastard has to be FUNNY. I don't care who you are, if you can make me belly laugh, I'll develop a crush on you. I am not kidding.

And he has to own a motorcycle.

In the interim while I'm waiting for Mr.ItsAboutDamnTime, I'd like to take a moment to introduce you all to my new internet boyfriend. Why no, I've never met him and no, I don't intend to and no, he doesn't actually know he's my internet boyfriend. Shut up. Whatever. He is so too. Because oh my shit is he funny. (Yeah, that really might be all it takes.) (Shut. Up.) (Bastards.)