WHIF

"Uch. Do you smell that?"

((Giant inhale)) "What? I don't smell anything."

"It smells like ass in here."

"Still nothing."

"How do you not smell that?"

"Well... have you showered today?"

"... Go to hell."

INTRODUCTION: 3 WEEKS LATER

Wouldn't you know it? My pregnancy resulted in a baby. A girl. Nicknamed Smackaboy Punchass McMadigan. But we call her Mara for short.

April 15, 2009
10:41 a.m.
7lbs, 14 oz
20.25 inches

She earned those cheeks honestly.

And, wouldn't you also know? Her birth? Along with almost my entire pregnancy? Did not go "as planned." But that is a story for another day! Mostly because it's late (9 p.m. What? I have a kid now. Shut up.) and it's a long story. You'll just have to check back.

WHERE I GET IT

Me: "The bottle won't work without these two pieces inside it."

Mom: "Okay, I get that but does anyone know what the ridges inside of the nipple are for?"

Dad: "Those are for her pleasure."

Me: "Wow."

Dad: "I know. God, I couldn't not say it, but now that I have I'm so embarrassed."