WARDROBE MALFUNCTION

"I can't wear girl boxer briefs. My thighs are too thick and they roll. I have to wear long underwear."

"Why don't you just wear regular underware?"

***

"Well, I can't put on a sock with one hand! Besides, it's extra hard to put on socks when your pudgy. And they're Doctor Scholls stretchy socks... which is just another word for orthopedic."

"Geriatrc."

"Mom just said they're 'old guy' socks."

IT WAS HOT BACK THEN, TOO

This is my best friend.



He is currently in Guatamala.



Yeah. The 70s called. They want their hair back.

I BEG YOUR PARDON

"That's why nobody likes you, because you're mean."

"You like me."

"We'll I'm stupid."

"You certainly are to talk to me like that."

THIS POST HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH MAN FRIEND

"He was so nervous I was going to break up with him he actually threw up."

"Your empathy is just over flowing."

"I thought it was cute."

TOLD YOU SO

It is a well stated (albeit underestimated) fact that Bean does not take well to teasing. Man Friend had been THOROUGHLY warned about this trend. But that stubborn ass swore up and down, left and right, that he and Bean had a report, an understanding if you will.

My ass they did.

So Saturday while driving Bean home to fetch her car so she could head to an appointment with the florist, Man Friend did something very stupid. We were playing a favorite game with Bean, namely trying to disgust her (which is not at all difficult to do), when Man Friend decided she was tough enough to take a little teasing.

Man Friend told my sister she was easy.

You could hear the collective groan as it exited his mouth. He knew instantly that he done just effed it ALL up. The silence that followed was RESOUNDING. She didn't say a word. She just stared out the window, the pressure building.

It took a moment but I jumped to her rescue. I pointed out that Man Friend? HE should not be talking about who is easy in that there vehicle because oh my God is he a whore. And a hermaphrodite (not really but that didn't stop us from telling my sister that... he even offered to show her. She passed.) And the storm... it passed by without incident.

And I realized something. Maybe the reason Bean does not take so well to the teasing, beyond other reasons, is because she's not so quick on her toes with the comebacks. Now, I'm not saying that Tiff and I are the funniest people in the world because we aren't (though I am W-A-Y funnier than she is), but we have managed to hold our own in this family. No small feat, might I add.

I don't have to tell you how I rubbed THAT little incident into Man Friend's face, because I was right and he was so very close to feeling the wrath of one of my father's children, punishment enough I suppose for such a transgression, but the man have enough work ahead of him just trying to keep me happy. BECAUSE I AM A PLEASURE TO BE AROUND.

GOOD ENOUGH FOR GOVERNMENT WORK

I don't know if it was the sudden realization of JUST how much is actually on my to do list or the impendng influx of even more but I had a bit of a God complex today and not in a good way (not that there really is a good way). It was one of those infuriating days where everyone I talked to seemed to expect miracles. Like everything they handed me was my top priority and I could get it done immediately.

It is true, I work fast. I apply the same sort of nervous energy to a project list my dad applys to everything.

I am not, however, anything close to a miracle worker and I have a very. long. list. Some of it my own doing. Which was another disappointment today.

I finally had the chance to present this project (that I WAS very excited about and all gung-ho to do) to the people it is meant to help and I walked away from it completely deflated. I can just sense they don't realize how much they need this project done to unify the publications the center produces and they all still have the mindset that they want THEIR stuff to stand out, not realizing this will be better for the whole.

Short sighted bastards.

I have management behind me but they aren't exactly effective at rallying the troups. It is easy to see they have no confidence in the intelligence of their employees from snide comments they made at the introduction of ANOTHER project I'm attempting to launch for them. Comments which were later refuted when I pointed out the severe lack of problems she suggested would happen.

Another problem I'm facing is simply the fact that I've worked with a few of these people before and I DO. NOT. LIKE. the one woman. She's bossy and condescending and maybe it's her regular features, but she always seems to be sneering. She seems world weary without the experience to back it up.

You know what the nicest thing anyone said to me today was? "You're a busy woman." Because someone ELSE realized how much effort I am putting into this T-E-M-P-O-R-A-R-Y job.

I feel exhausted and mentally drained and I've lost that excited spark I once had about this project which means, from now on, it's just work.

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY

Oh, you little shits are getting S-P-O-I-L-E-D with all these pictures.

Man Friend is at it again. I got a call this afternoon while I was at work from a florist wondering if I would be home so she could drop off some flowers. It was unexpected and certainly unnecessary because I really don't require that sort of thing but, that being said, I was so freaking giddy for the rest of the day after receiving that phone call. I managed to turned a burning shade of purple while on the phone with this woman even though there was only one other person in the office (HI!) because that is what happens with me.

When he called I inquired to whether he had gotten me flowers and he responded with a guilt-ridden, "No... why?" Guilt-ridden because he was lying through his teeth which made the whole situation that much cuter.


I feel as though I have been bragging an awful lot about Man Friend recently and I want to qualify it. I'm not doing it to show you all how much better he is than your boyfriend, but rather to simply give credit where credit is due. The hope is with due and proper recognition, he'll be encouraged to keep this kind of behavior going.

On a different note: I know it's dangerous, I know it knocked out power to 122,000 people (me included for 8 hours last night), I know it sucks ASS to drive in, but I love this time of year.


It is just so very pretty.

DIFFERENCE OF OPINION

This is Bean. Bean is engaged to Bob. She is actually wearing the scarf I picked out but Man Friend bought her for Christmas in this image because she LOVES IT. Go me. And Man Friend, too, I guess.



This is Bean's centerpeice for her upcoming wedding in August in which I am the Maid of Honor (need I really explain how bad an idea THAT is?).



Now... I love my sisters. Both of them. But Bean and I? We have DRASTICALLY different tastes. Case in point: despite my like of her vase choice, I would not use pink. Or her other wedding color (blue) for that matter. At least not that version of blue.

Another case in point: THIS is the shoe she proposed I prance my pudgy, girdled ass down the aisle in. Oh, and doubt ye not that I will be girdled because the other two gals in this wedding party? A bean poll and twig respectively. "F**k me," is all I have to say about that. I am going to look like a W-H-A-L-E. A soft, fleshy whale. In a girdle. And whales do not walk to delicately in 4 inch stilletto stripper shoes. Oh, no we don't. We trip and die.

I LOVE WEDDINGS!!!

I'm going to bloody freaking elope (and not anytime soon).

ODE TO MAN FRIEND

THIS is Man Friend (he hates it when I take his picture and not just because they turn out blurry). We have been dating six months today. It has actually been longer but that's when we decided it was all official like (just saying that makes me cringe in my teeth because how high school does that sound?)



In lue of such a milestone I wanted to show off all the things Man Friend has gotten me over the course of our relationship.



Behold. The first gift he ever got me at Gallery Hop in Columbus for no real reason at all. I pointed it out and stated just how much I coveted it and he surprised me with it later that night. You go, Man Friend.



I know you can't see it very well because, again, these pictures are awesomely blurry but those are in fact diamonds. For my birthday. Oh, he is good.

Um, I can actually REMEMBER what he got me for Christmas. SORRY! Shhhhh.. Don't tell him.



THE PURSE. Oh, I love this purse. And that isn't to say I don't also love all the other things he has gotten me but I really, REALLY love this purse. It holds ALL of my stuff. It is a perfect size. It is a perfect color. I am actually knitting a scarf to match this purse. And it TOTALLY matches the bracelet and necklace. Score.

Granted, I would still like you even if you didn't get me all that cool stuff. But I can't deny it helps. And neither does that face.



Head. Chest. Poke.

BECAUSE HE'S A GOOD LIAR

"Can we go to Disney World?!"

"We can't go right now. You're sick."

"Well, then we'll go tomorrow."

"They aren't open on Sundays."

"It's comments like that that make me think you'll be a good dad."

ZOOM

Okay, so I went a half a day but that was only because my windshield wipers miraculously started working when I started my car this morning to drive it to the shop. So I spent my morning chipping away the remaining ice around the mechanism. And by "chipping" I mean "hacking the shit out of" and muttering explicits under my breath whenever I accidently caught the hose that delivers my washer fluid.

Why bother with the muttering? Because my neighbors' neighbors' son was sledding down the little hill at the end of their yard and I wasn't going to be the person to teach him his first cuss word. That is his parents' job.

But it needs to be said (but NOT repeated to my mother who thinks I speed WAY more than I actually do), I sped the WHOLE way home from work today. It felt wonderful. And it made me realize I want a car that goes real fast. R-E-A-L FAST.

THIS IS GOING TO BE ONE BIG OLE BITCHFEST

Oh my shit, I have needed to pick my nose since 3:30.

By that time I'd be on the road since 2:30. Around 6:30 I finally got home. IT. IS. A. 30. MINUTE. DRIVE.

Thirty. Three, oh. Half of ONE hour. NOT 4 MOTHER EFFING HOURS.

In the time it took me to drive the less than 25 miles home in the snow that shut down this goddamned excuse of a city, my windshield wipers? The motor burnt out.

They are no more.

They refuse to go swish.

It was my own fault really. I pushed them too hard.

DESPITE the fact that I had the defrost on high the entire ride home, much to my own personal discomfort since it was 13 degrees, about 13 more than it was this morning when I left for work, they iced up anyway. And that ice kept building right down in the crevise between the windshield and the hood of the car. And then up onto the wipers themselves. But I could still see and traffic WAS moving (albeit at 5 miles an hour) and I didn't get out to scrap it off. And then, with one mile left to go (and traffic at a perpetual standstill) they stopped moving. And then I smelled burnt rubber. F**k. F**k,f**k,f**k. Double bloody effing f**k.

That is when I started crying. I made it through the first 3 hours without crying.

Ohhh, WHAT?! That's right. Do that math. One mile left. 4 hours total. Only 3 hours gone? F**KING HELL SHIT HOLE SUCK!!!

THEREFORE, I'm taking a personal snow day tomorrow. I have to get my car fixed. SCREW YOU WORK PLACE WHO LET ME LEAVE EARLY BUT REQUIRED I USE PERSONAL TIME TO DO IT. I give you my danty middle finger.

DELUSIONAL MEN

"Your mom totally wants me."

"I beg your pardon?"

"It's true. If your dad weren't in the way, she would be ALL OVER this."

Snorting laughter.

"Oh, what? What's her other option? Bob?"

(Bob is how I, from this day forth, will refer to my younger sister's fiance.)

***

"I finally figured out how to make it 8 inches. Ask me how."

"How?"

"Fold it in half."

***

"My vagina can grow a better beard than you can."

FIGURES

"So are you and Female Friend an 'item' or are you just friends?"

"She's married."

"No. Get out."

"It's true."

"Well, that sucks for you because she's awesome."