GLEEFUL

Thursday evening, after a long day at the office, I finally bit the bullet. I finally, officially, signed up for match.com, "about me" section and all.

And since I know you're curious, this is what I decided on:

I think I'm attractive and I've been told I have a great smile, which might be why I think it's my best feature. I'm about 5'6" with chin-length brown hair and I recently started trying to get into shape with the help of my dog, Guinness, who I walk at least twice a day. I'm looking for someone who has similar interests to my own, however, I'm open to new places, thoughts, and ideas. I'm always willing to learn. Physically, I tend to find myself drawn to tall, stocky brunettes and love a clean, well-trimmed beard. However, I love personality and if you've got it, you could be 5'6" and blond. I love to laugh so a good sense of humor is a must. I prefer beer to wine, I'm at my most comfortable in jeans, and I'm not afraid to get my hands a little dirt but I clean up well when given the opportunity.

I thought that sounded a little less frightening than Barnes' version, true as it may well be.

I've been signed up since Thursday, four whole days, and as of about an hour ago, I have two dates for next weekend. (I'll wait while you all do a jig on my behalf.)

It certainly helps that I am such a charming conversationalist. (Stop laughing. I really am.)

And one of these gentleman knows I have a blog (Hi Ryan!). And an adoring public (Hi Tiff!). And that nothing is sacred*.

It should been an interesting week.


*(Ed. Note: Oh yeah. That link might not be work appropriate. (Que maniacal giggling))

HALF MINE AND SHE'S A BITCH

Around Easter I went home, mostly to show off the new dog, and partially because I wanted to see my dad. Because I love him and he's way cooler than your dad.

See: His new baby.


And I helped him find it. According to my legal department, that makes it half mine.

It was while I was home that I went out with a sister, the one whose nickname starts with a "b", (and, more often than not, ends in an "itch"). This sister, she and I took the dogs to Petsmart. It was after this visit that we were going to get lunch at a neighboring Panera and take it home. At least, so I thought.

She thought differently.

As I held on to two rowdy pups, she made the executive decision to EAT OUTSIDE. In 37 degree weather.

I had to warm my hands on a BAGETTE. I could no longer feel them by the time I got in the car.

She will rue the day. That is all.

THREE CHEERS FOR THIS CITY'S FINEST (EXCEPT NOT REALLY)

Dear whichever patrol officer was driving squad car #11 just before 7 a.m. this morning,

I don't know what city you're from, but I've never been to the city where the pedestrian DIDN'T have the right of way. Especially when in a cross walk and has a walk signal.

I was walking my dog. You very nearly hit us. I can now assure you that you are, in fact, an asshole. Because I know you were curious.

NEENER NEENER NEENER

This weekend I went home for a multitude of reasons.

None of them Easter.

And while I was there, Guinness and Chewbacca met for the very first time.

It didn't go that well. I attribute that fact to Chewie TAUNTING Guinness from my sister's lap.

Me: "They would have gotten along better if Chewie played by the rules."

Bean: "You don't know! Maybe it was Guinness who wasn't playing by the rules."

Me: "Oh yeah, I forgot. Chewie did call mom as base. 'I'm on base Guinness! Mom is base! Stoooopppp it! I said I was on base!'"

Dad" "You two could not have chosen pets closer to your personalities growing up if you had tried."

THOSE PICTURES I PROMISED YOU

So apparently, my dog is into light bondage as he is oft tied up in his leash. And that bluish green thing? That was his puppy.



His puppy lasted all of two days.



Because I wasn't watching for all of five minutes.



And he managed to tear puppy's forehead open.



But not before repeatedly sexually molesting him.



And then staring forlornly as his missing testicles as if to say, "What happened to my happy ending?"

Rest in pieces puppy. Rest in fuzzy, fluffy pieces.

DOG DAYS

Oh hi hai. (Ed. Note: Fixed on Jennith's behalf.)


So, funny thing. It's rather difficult to update a blog when you're trying to keep an eye on a brandy new dog.

Who knew?

Anyway, I finally found a camera (and by found I mean "borrowed") that actually turned on! A novel concept, that. And pictures will be forthcoming.

Also stories. I am overflowing with the stories.

LIESEL'S BOYFRIEND

I would like you all, dear interwebs, to welcome the newest member of the SLRd family:

Guinness Stout

I'm not kidding. That's his name. Isn't he a looker?

More pictures when I find a decent camera. I swear to god, you would think at least one of these bloody effing cameras would work for me but noooooo.

HEART!!

DANGEROUS CONFESSIONS

So maybe it's because my hormones are going ape shit, or because I was seriously miffed at the Distraction this weekend (who I'm technically not seeing but.. yeah, whatever), but I started thumbing through the internet dating scene this weekend just sort of seeing who was out there.

Namely match.com.

Shut up.

No, really. Shut the hell up.

And here's the thing. For as awkward and uncomfortable as I am about the whole scene, I found several guys I wouldn't mind being friends with and maybe even casually dating. And, let's be honest, I'm not really getting anywhere with the guys I hang out with now. Particularly when ED deems it necessary that he give me dating advice and in particular, advice that involved me changing who I am.

Bite me, Ed.

No, really. Bite me.

And yet again, dear interwebs, I'm asking for your assistance. Because in order to create a profile I have to describe myself, something I've NEVER been good at doing because it's stupid and awkward and bahhh. Which is why I'm calling for your help. How would you describe me to someone else?

BUNNY HOP

"Please don't do the Bunny Hop at the office anymore."

"What? Why?"

"Because I was fixated. Why do you think I ran off to the other side of the room? I had to distract myself."

"... But I'm wearing a turtle neck!"

"IT STILL JIGGLES!"

SLEEPING ON IT

Today I spent a good hour at the Humane Society perusing the merchandise and playing with the beefcake I introduced you to yesterday. And yet, I remain dogless.

For now.

I promised myself I would sleep on it.

But the more I think about it, the more and more I'm totally digging his act. He doesn't walk well on a leash but I can teach him to heel. He (quite literally) bounces off the wall but I think he'll calm down some with a snipping (if you catch my drift), some good exercise to tire him out, and a bit of redirecting (lets say frisbee?). He doesn't bark much. In fact, the only time he barked was when I walked away from him the first time. He's willing to submit to me. He's absolutely freaking adorable. (Go ahead. Check him out again. I'll wait.)

And to make matters worse (?) I think I might have already named him. No, I won't tell you what. Not until I get him and officially name him, and no, dear interwebs, you don't get a vote. I mean, you can all go ahead and send me your suggestions. Especially Michael. Because I haven't heard from you in a while and your comments always make me gleefull.

Not that I need help with that right now because, interwebs, I'm getting a dog!!! Pardon me while I girl out on you all. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDOGGYDOGGYDOGGYWOOF!!!!!!!!!!!

YUMMY DOGGIE TREATS

Tomorrow after work I'm going to the Warren County Humane Society to check out this guy:


Isn't he a beefcake?

IT DIDN'T BRUISE

"OW!"

"What'd you do?"

"I hit myself in the face with the shovel handle."

"That sucks."

"I think it might bruise."

"It's not gonna bruise."

"Well, if it does, I'm just going to tell people you hit me."

"Because that would be believable."

"I don't know that it's so far-fetched. I think the part they'd struggle with is your continued ability to feed yourself without the aid of a tube."

YOU PRESUME MUCH

We attempted sledding but neither of us had a sled.

Neither did Wal-mart.

"So what do you want to do now?"

"Um, we could dig out my car?"

So we dug out my car. After I pilfered two shovels from my neighbors. Without asking permissions. (Mostly because the shovels were RIGHT THERE and I couldn't find the owners to ask permission. Besides, it's a damn snow shovel.)

Also: I take him to all the nicest places.

"So what are we going to do now?"

"Well, I'm going to go home."

"But.. What? Why?! It's only SEVEN! You haven't even been inside my apartment yet."

"Here's why: The sun is down and now everything is going to freeze."

Um, yeah, okay. That's valid.

"And because I'm coming over tomorrow after work with a pizza and we're going to watch a crappy movie and then you are going to pay me back for shoveling out your damn car."

I'm assuming he means backrubs? Yeah, backrubs.

IT'S AN OPEN AND SHUT CASE REALLY

I have a dilemma, dear interwebs, a dilemma only you can solve.

Let us say that I have procured the assistance of two strapping young men.

Please allow me to direct your attention to Exhibit M:



And Exhibit W:



And let us say the assistance I require involves the picking up and the moving of a rather large, yet oh so stylish, dresser weighting roughly 150 lbs.

Which brings us now to Exhibit D:



And then let us say that there may be a single, solitary flight of stairs involved.

See: Exhibit S:



And now let us also say I have procured their assistance through bribery.

Exhibit B:



Exhibit P:



Now my question is: if a train leaves Dallas at 5:35 and travels at roughly 45 mph and a second train leaves Chicago at 7:02 and travels at 56 mph, exactly how much pizza am I required to feed these two?

"INNER" MONOLOGUE

My place of employment (known henceforth as POE) is making a video.

Don't ask me why.

A part of that video required as many people as possible from all departments to cram together in our atrium (with props!) and stare up at the camera.

Someone walked in with a fire ax.

My boss' boss: "Hey you guys with the fire ax, why don't you come up front here?"

Co-worker A: "Yes. Let's bring all of the weapons to the front."

Co-worker 2: "That thing ain't nothing but a glorified hoe."

Me: "You know, I've been called that before."

The situation deteriorated rapidly after that.

FRUSTRATED

Nothing, not a single goddamned thing went right today.

This made me feel better.

STILL UNPACKING

Oh, hi there lovely interwebs. I missed you what with being gone moving for a whole FOUR days. Why, I even SPRINTED out of the office today to meet up with the cute cable/interwebs guy. Who happened to be wearing bright blue booties.

So hush now, interwebs. Calm your crying. Mama's back and she won't be leaving you again anytime soon.

Except now because I need to finish unpacking. And maybe later when it's time to sleep. Or when I'm at work, though technicially I'm still on the interwebs BUT IT DOESN'T COUNT AS CHEATING IF I GET PAID AND PROMISE NOT TO LIKE IT.


Pictures to follow if I ever find my camera.