NEWEST LITTLE ADDITION

I have a nephew.

I was just a surprised at you are.

No, neither of my sisters are or have ever been (as far as I know) pregnant. And yes, technically, I am already an aunt because one of my sisters has a cat. A very stand-offish cat who likes to, literally, roll in it when you put but a wee pinch of cat nip on the floor. A cat that only semi-tolerates me because I'm bigger than she is and she doesn't have much of a choice.

There are certain things, dreams really, that I've had. One dream in particular was getting a dog and I guess, seeing how I'm older and all, I just always thought I would be first. I would be the reason my parents would again keep treats and bowls and maybe even a doggie bed. I would be the one to be a pain in the ass at Thanksgiving since it would be my totally awesome, kick-ass dog underfoot, tripping adults and trampling the smaller children.

Alas. It wasn't to be and, to be perfectly freaking honest, I wasn't expecting to, once again, be last one of us to accomplish something in life, but this weekend, my younger sister's husband gave me a nephew. Or, more to the point, he surprised my sister with a puppy.

Introducing: Chewbacca Abu.


I promise you there is a puppy on that couch. I realize you can't actually SEE him, so I drew a helpful diagram.


He's a pug. And I found out he looks good in jaunty sweaters that I might buy him at PetsMart because HE WAS COLD!!! AND IT HAD A SCARF!! And it wasn't pink. Maybe a little metro but NOT PINK BECAUSE HE IS A BOY DOG, SO HELP BOB GOD!

Bean's only had him 3 days and in those three days he's only crapped on the floor 3 times. But he's a puppy and he doesn't know any better. However, the dogs in our next story did.

The Distraction recently moved back in with his parents in an attempt to continue to hoard squirrel away save money. His parents have two dogs. His parents do not allow the dogs to sleep on their bed so they got used to sleeping on the bed in the guest room.

The same bed the Distraction is now occupying.

He's been pretty good about keeping the door closed so they can't get in there and ransack his stuff but Wednesday morning, while he was talking his shower, he forgot. As he walked back into the bedroom, he noticed the room was smelling a little ripe. He scanned the floor but found nothing. Until he looked up.

One of the dogs had taken a shit on his FAVORITE pillow as punishment for kicking her out of her room and off of her bed. And the Distraction, ever the believer that he will NEVER FIND A PILLOW LIKE THAT PILLOW EVER AGAIN AMEN, is attempting to salvage it.

What do you do? HOW do you do that? You could never again lay your face on the poop side of the pillow, I don't care how clean you think you got it! And how do you find out which side is which? I don't know about you, but I'm too classy to have to SNIFF MY PILLOW to find out which side I'm going to be laying my head on. Particularly when I have friends like me that would take advantage of the situation and flip that sumbitch the hell over at EVERY AVAILABLE OPPORTUNITY.