A SMORGASBORD IF YOU WILL

I dislike weddings. I am also a senior in college.

And so are a few of my friends.

This means a large number of them are in a race for that next stage of their lives, so during summer 06 there is a plethora of these events to attend, or a smorgasbord if you will (did you see it? See what I did there? I tied in the title. How clever am I?!)

In my 23.416 years, I have been TO more weddings than I choose remember, and I've been IN 4 (technically 5 if you count the time I was a flower girl at a wedding I really don't remember, nor have I ever seen any pictures as means of proof) with plans for a 5th (6th) screaming up here in 2007. Now some of you (Mel) might point out that this is proof that a lot of people consider me a really good friend, and yes, I must say it's almost like a badge of honor TO A POINT. I get the destinction of spending copious (god, I LOVE that word. It's beautiful and almost crass the way it just HURLS itself from your mouth and prostrates about like some harlet and, AND! it so perfectly describes every aspect of my life. A word like that makes me feel as if I'm basking in a pool of language with words floating up slowly, almost gracefully, to the surface like little fart bubbles to erupt into a cornucopia of literary merit) amounts of money (another word I might be a tinge fond of) on presents and parties and a really ugly dress* I WILL NOT wear again no matter WHAT I MAY TELL YOU OTHERWISE! Let us not even speak of color.

I know what you're thinking and no, I am not jealous of the bride (I SAID I'M NOT, DAMNIT!). And this is what gets me. I pride myself on being open-minded, but weddings (specifically WHEN to wed) are the one thing I am so very closed minded about (I'm sure there are other things I'm not thrillingly open-minded about but for the sake of arguement SHUT IT!) I am not ready to get married. I'm not really ready to PRETEND IT'S EVEN AN OPTION, and I have to think if I were more open-minded about it, then I'd have a far greater chance of falling victim to it. I DON'T EVEN WANT TO DATE SOMEONE RIGHT NOW because I might, in the future, let them sway me away from doing something I really want to do or I would hurt them, and, despite my cold-hearted bitch exterior, I hate hurting people.



*Not all bridesmaid dresses I've worn have been ugly but I ABSOLUTELY REFUSE to tell you which ones were in case one of those brides happens upon this site and then SHOOTS HEAT-SEEKING LASER BEEMS OUT OF HER EYES.
**This is also why, in past years, I have REFUSED to catch the bouquet, in case it really does possess some form of magical voodoo that will force me to get married against my will. I'll behave and go up and stand there, but under no circumstances will I make any real attempt to catch the damn thing.
***Except that one time but it was really more of preventing the bride's sister from falling on her bright yellow ass in puddle of mud.