MONSTER

I am Charlize Theron's LONG LOST TWIN.



I should totally claim royalties from that movie. However much my roommate paid for it, I get HALF for use of my likeness.

What the hell happened? These were SUPPOSED to be professional photos and I look like I just got back from watching NASCAR. I. HATE. NASCAR. And the wings that form at the sides of my head? When did all this start? I don't remember my hair always doing that, or EVER doing that until this year. Then low and behold, one morning my hair starts trying DESPERATELY to fit in with some of my dad's side of the family. I can hear him now, "I RAISED YOU BETTER THAN THIS!"

Now, I am by NO MEANS ANYTHING CLOSE TO PHOTOGENIC. That phase of my life passed away at the young, tender age of 10, EXCEPT FOR ONE MIRACULOUS PHOTO MY MOTHER IS HORDING AWAY FROM ME!!! Seriously, the last photo shoot I had before this one... we took 120 pictures. I liked FOUR OF THEM! AND during this photo shoot, I knew it was barreling down hill like a kamikaze pilot, but one of the guy's there still had the nerve to tell me it wasn't that bad. Yeah? Well, you know what buddy? That's like me telling you your penis isn't that small.