THE PROTECTOR

Over the weekend, after my friends had consumed nearly $30 in tiny, breaded mystery meat (AND only half of a steak, prick), we headed over to (one of the) Matt's house to watch a movie.

But not just any movie.

A Thai martial arts movie. The uncut, international version.

Now, I LIKE this kind of movie. Despite some initial tribulation, I've since grown to appreciate the artistic beauty of such movies as House of Flying Daggers and Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon.

The Protector was only kinda like those movies.

Don't get me wrong. It WANTED to be like those movies. Artful. Coherent. Tolerable.

It gave the artful a damn fine attempt what with the beautiful backgrounds and Thai dancers to tribal (?) beats and I guess, in the end, I GET what happened so THEY WERE TRYING, but there is only so much disbelieve I am willing to suspend towards any one venture and THEY CROSSED THAT LINE.

They bid their time, however. I was totally into the guys fighting style and I'm fully accepting that no wires were used. I'm willing to believe he managed to climb down four stories using not much more than a drain pipe, IF THAT. I'm apprehensive of his ability to stop, dead in the air, two guys on bikes who ALONE had more mass to them than this little Thai guy. I am COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY unwilling to believe that some Russian-looking dude, huge though he may be, could EVER, in the very slender whisp of reality in which I live, THROW A FREAKING BABY ELEPHANT THROUGH A WINDOW.

Now, I did my research folks. Baby Asian elephants weight over 200 lbs WHEN THEY ARE BORN and the one they were using in this film was not nursing so it had to have been at least 2-3 years old. These things reach sexual maturity at 9 years old. As in, not so much baby as adolescent. YOU DO THE MATH!

And, yes, I get what they were trying to do, showing the big, bad guy's disrespect toward elephants that are considered like brothers to the people of Thailand. BUT HE THREW IT! LIKE A DISCUS!

I can't wrap my head around it. He t-h-r-e-w a baby freaking elephant. GAH!

I just.. GAH!