BACHLORETTE MEETS HUSTLER

Okay, so since she's actually received my bachlorette party presents, that means I get to tell you all of my brilliance.


Present 1: Big ass, white granny panties.

This went much along the same lines as getting Christina a maternity bra for her party a couple years ago (Really? That long? Damn). There was also some of the single person lore involved with this choice seeing how wimmins never seem to get laid when they're wear the sexy panties, it's only when they have on embarrassing underwears that the men folk seem to want to go downtown.

I'm just doing my part.


Present 2: A thong that states, "You may now f*ck the bride."

You know. In case he forgot.


Present 3: A thong for him in the shape of an elephant, wherein he gets to "fill out" the trunk.

Bean was very emphatic in her demands that Bob wouldn't fit in said trunk. I choose to feel pity at such remarks.

Bob was disgusted by this gift. I'm not sure why. It's a perfect chance to show Bean his animal magnatism. He gave it three strikes. The first was the dental floss string that had to go up his butt. The second is the effort it takes to "fill out" the thong (lazy bastard). The third was the elephant googly eyes, which I think just adds to the realism of the whole effect.

Now, here is the difference between Bean and myself (among many, many, many other things). Anyone I'll end up marrying would not have shied away from such manties. Nor would he have left them on the coffee table (because, ew). No, he would have proudly stuck the thing down his pants with the ears hanging out. Because that is classy.


Present 4: Flavor "BJ" drops.

Did you know they make flavored drops to make giving head a whole lot more pleasant? Well, they do. And now Bean is the proud owner (well, I'd be proud) of a four-flavor variety pack.

Because I figured Bob needed all the help he could get.