Y'all. I suck at being a girl. I lose all of my merit badges and pillow fight/makeout privileges (Yeah, guys. Your fantasies? They're true. Every slumber party leads to a pillow fight which leads to curious touching which leads to chick on chick makeouts. But you didn't hear it from me).
See, what happened is this. I changed purses today because my old black one, which never gets used anymore since I have red and blue and tan to choose from, MATCHES MY BRANDY NEW SHOES (coincidence you ask or PURE UNADULTERATED GENIUS?) and I forgot.
I forgot I've been ravenous. I forgot I've been moody and bloated. I forgot that I CRIED this week while reading Harry Potter 7 because waaa! My poor Weasley twims get MAULED! Mauled I tell you!
I forgot all those things so why are you looking all shocked and surprised that I forgot to pack something absorbent. Like a diaper.
A curse upon my loins!
I don't understand why my body feels the overwhelming need to prove to the world I'm not getting it on. I am fully aware of my lack of makeouts (because you can TOTALLY get pregnant by tongue kissing. I heard it from Jenny who heard it from Dan who heard it from his cousin whose sister totally got pregnant that way. IT'S TRUE!).
I guess I could forgive my body this obsession if it weren't for the most annoying of grievences. Cramps. Better yet. Cramps that pulsate. Betterer yet. Cramps that migrate.
Oh, it may start to one side. And that might not be so bad. But then it starts to think that my lower back? Much better residents. I mean, what with the room and the view (of my bum, people, and WHAT a bum). And my cramps, see? They're about as hard to evict as coachroaches. Truth be told, I'm fairly certain my cramps could survive a nuclear holocaust and the ensuing winter, too.
It's been a pity in my life that I haven't ever really dated anyone who was good at/liked to give back massages. Because that would be THE SHIT right about now.
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3 comments:
yes, Dan told me so.
oops, that was me
What about raping ears with fingers? I mean, it's been years since it happened to me, so I know I didn't get pregnant. But I just wonder if it could have been possible.
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