Sometimes, I say dumb things. Unfortunately, I spend an overwhelming majority of my waking hours at work. I think you see where I'm headed here.
And while at work, it isn't exactly uncommon for my friends and me to get bored. It also isn't uncommon for us to alleviate that boredom by thinking of dumb things to say to entertain each other. Or by making up nicknames.
Hello, everyone. My (nick)name is Bobby Jean. (And, yes, there is a voice to go along with the persona. Also, I may or may not have blackened out one of my teeth to add to the realism. BECAUSE I'M DEDICATED.)
This week, in order to stave off the boredom, IT guy got it in his head that he was a crazy mad Photoshopping genius and he made computer background bling for the other two members of our foursome.
I, UNDERSTANDABLY, was miffed. I mean, where the hell is my bling, bitch?!
So after pointing out his error (whining) and requesting (demanding) some super fine bling of my own, I got it in my head to make suggestions of what my background bling should say. Because my real name? That's just too boring. And why bother with your REAL name when you have a totally-crazy-cool-and-not-dorky-at-all nickname like Bobby Jean? WHY BOTHER?
And those suggestions, they just started rolling. We started off innocent enough with a boring ole Bobby J, or B Jean, or NERD but then it struck me! Idiot's disease! (Thanks A LOT, Dad, ya bastard.)
My name should be Bobby J-izzle!
I AM AWESOME COMEDIC GENIUS! BOW BEFORE MY GLORY!
Except I'm not. And you shouldn't. Because Idiot, thy name is Bobby Jean.
Now, keep in mind I was typing this all in an email and, IN MY HEAD, I was pronouncing it Jay. Izzle. NOT jizzle. So as I was standing in IT Boss' office proclaiming of my brilliance in nicknamed background bling, I realized exactly what I had been spelling. Right about the same time her eyes grew to the size of saucers and she did that uncomfortable laugh she does when I say something inappropriate (yeah, not the first time that's happened).
And, folks, because of where I work, our emails are PUBLIC RECORD.
Let me spell that out for you. If Johnny Q. Public walked into our office and demanded to see all of Bobby Jean's emails from 6 months ago through today, WE ARE REQUIRED BY LAW TO GIVE THEM TO HIM.
Luckily, chances are good that won't ever happen.
BUT IT COULD!
I have to think, dear reader(s), that this was PROBABLY WORSE than that time I was telling them in a definately not indoor voice about my college professor who was, "gayer than gay," as we were walking through the atrium. That echos. And my dumb ass definately got overheard by a person with small children. Small children with perky ears and absorbent brains.
Now, in all fairness, that college professor REALLY WAS gayer than gay. You remember Jack from Will & Grace? Yes.
No really. I am deadly serious. THEY EVEN LOOKED ALIKE. Go watch a rerun on WE and you just might realize why he was my favorite professor EVER.
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4 comments:
I'll see your "gayer than gay" and raise you...
Walking out of a Calc II test, I proclaimed to two friends that, "the fundamental theorem of calculus can suck my left nut" in a non-indoor voice.
My professor was about six feet behind me.
You are so lucky you're cute!
by the way, what is idiot's disease and why are you thanking Dad? Did you scale a building and then jump???? It's ok as long as you remembered to tuck and roll after with a big Ta-Da finish.
Way to go Michael!!!!
Did the prof know you by name and did you pass?
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