WORLDS GREATEST SHOPPER AND OTHER WHITE LIES

I watched Thumbelina yesterday.

Yes, on purpose.

Shut up.

So after 86 minutes worth of an eye raping, THAT, YES, I WILLINGLY SUBJECTED MYSELF TO, SHUT UP ALREADY, I decided that I was going to go shopping.

By myself.

I am not a good shopper.

In fact, I hate, detest, loathe shopping. It takes me being in the right mood and even then I'm only okay. And dear, sweet God be with you if I pass my expiration date. It generally goes something like: Okay. Okay. Not quite as okay. WALL. and then I feel my body melting into a self-indulgant temper tantrum and I generally manage to piss off everyone within a 10 foot radius.

But, lo, that was NOT going to stop me yesterday because I? I deserved to treat myself to something nice because, well, Friday was payday and because I have such an issue buying things for myself EVEN IF I NEED THEM TO SURVIVE because OH MY GOD WHAT IF SOMETHING HAPPENS AND I AM EXACTLY $36.95 SHORT BECAUSE I BOUGHT A PAIR OF PANTS?? THE WORLD MIGHT END PEOPLE! AND IT WOULD BE ALL. MY. FAULT.

So I went to Lerners because I always do well at Lerners.

I didn't do so well at Lerners because I made the mistake of assuming they would have anything I wanted IN MY SIZE. I made the same mistake at Old Navy, except for a gray pair of swashbuckling pants and SERIOUSLY? Does ANYONE look good in that shit because it is soooo not the sexy to feel as if my generous hips have melted down to my knees. If my boobs will never be able to perform that task, I CERTAINLY do not want my hips taking over the job.

Sigh.

But, alas, I was willing to keep the torture but because I'm a good shopper. I'm a good shopper. I'll go on over the Gap though I've never bought ANYTHING from the Gap (I know, I know, I know, again with the shutting up which you will do right now because I said so).

I head to the dressing room and pull on the ONLY pair of pants I can find muttering to myself the whole time. "Son of a bitch, you have to be kidding me this is ridicu... Wha? They FIT?! Butt check. Not bad. Ohh and they don't press painfully into the soft fleshy parts like the OTHER pair I'm trying to replace. I AM WORLDS GREATEST SHOPPER."

So I pay and decide to try Target.

Who had nothing.

I am not a good shopper. I am not a good shopper. I am not a good shopper.

I bought underware.

What? Mine are getting to that not pretty, please, oh please GOD just throw us away already stage.

I can't believe I admitted that.