My mother told me once that she was afraid I don't know how to be happy.
At the time, I was mad. Why couldn't she cut me some slack? Everyone gets into bad moods, everyone has their down days when they feel like the world is against them, everyone feels like this. It was temporary, it would pass.
But she was right.
I decided today that I should do one thing each day that brings me joy. Seems as if it might be simply enough, no?
Except...
I couldn't think of anything.
Sure, there are things that I like to do, things that may make me happy for the moment--hanging out with friends, talking a walk through my neighborhood, folding paper into stupid shapes, writing about it all and assuming you want to read it--but there is nothing that I would describe as joyful.
I'm not so sure anymore that the answer is depression. I've suffered from this affliction all my life. I was an uptight, serious child and I am not kidding in the slightest when I tell you all I did not have a sense of humor until I was 15 years old and that, even now, it is sometimes still an uphill battle.
For so long have I told myself, "I'll be happy when I achieve this," or "I'll be happy when I live here," that I've managed to completely lose what it's like to be happy NOW, in this moment and not waiting for what might happen in the next.
And what a sad life that is to lead.
But how do I get around this trait in myself? I am a planner. I like knowing how things are going to turn out. I like having an idea of what plans are going to be like, where I'm going to end up, how it's all going to happen and when, because my head just won't let it go.
Funny thing is, the times I really remember finding joy in my life are the times I went against the grain of my own personality, the times I was spontaneous or reckless, maybe even stupid. White water rafting, skiing down a hill that was far too advanced for me, walking into Young Life (drop it) when I knew absolutely no one, the first time I ever realized I could be funny.
So basically, I'm the problem. But maybe now I might fix it.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
1 comment:
You are not the problem, my dear. You are the solution. Now that you realized you are looking for the path the better equipped you are to find it. Little things create joy, not huge events or completion of projects. Do things that children do. They are happy and content and generally don't cost much. Color a picture in a coloring book (without is being perfect), draw in the sidewalk with chalk so others can enjoy it too, run through a sprinkler on a hot day, swing on the swings in a park, take a long bubble bath with your favorite music and a great bottle of wine, I think you are getting the point. I have only recently discovered that I bring/create my own joy. Don't be afraid to feel good. It's the toughest part of the whole experience.
I love you more than chocalte chip cookies little sister. Take care.
Post a Comment