OPEN LETTER TO MAN FRIEND

I decided today I wasn't going to feel bad anymore. Not something that is commonly just announced and perfectly followed so I'm expecting some bad days, but overall, I'm just tired of feeling sad or mad or numb.

It was suggested that anger, particularly anger directed towards Man Friend, would be the way to go to get over this. I tried on that role and it just wasn't that satisfying. Yes, I am unhappy with how situations were handled, with outcomes and my reactions to said outcomes, and yes, I am hurt, but he can not help how he feels or does not feel and I cannot see how my anger, beyond being a catalyst for my own healing, would help the situation. No matter how much I want him on the face of this, I can't be with someone who doesn't want to be with me.

I love him, very much I love him. I had thought I might spend the rest of my life with him. This doesn't mean it couldn't still happen. From what he tells me he still loves me and misses me. I find that infuriatingly frustrating because why can't that be enough?

But I have faith. It's hard earned and faltering at times, but it IS there.

I believe that one day Man Friend will pull his head out of his ass and realize what a mistake he is making, that no matter what, I'm not worth losing. Whether or not he's too late is yet to be told, but we were good together. Even when things weren't so great, we were good. I would have done, probably would still do, almost anything for him.

I had a dream last night. Man Friend was leaving, driving a van, and inside that van were all the people I ever met through him, even a few of my friends (you traitorous bastards). The one person I remember vividly was my favorite of Man Friend's buddies. He met my eyes for a moment, his look forlorn and an overwhelming feeling came over me as I realized I wasn't going to be invited.

Becase those friends, they've been around longer.

Part of me truely understands. Part of me respects him for this decision that is obviously hard on him, too. Part of me.

And that part is telling me to forgive him.