SMOOTH AS A BABY'S BUTT

I did something dumb.

The worst part? It was ENTIRELY my own idea. I thought it would make life simpler. I thought it would save me time but there are just certain things better left to professionals and the tearing of one's own hair from ((cough)) down there is one of them.

It started off simply enough. As I was haunched over in the shower shaving away at the inevitable strays that make the bikini line just oh-so-unappealing it came to me. Why not forcibly remove said bikini line hair with HOT WAX?! On the most delicate part of my body?! It'll be easy! I do it to my eyebrows all the time!

Pity the tolerance for pain on my face doesn't translate below the belt. Who knew?

To Sally Hansen I go to get the proper supplies. I absolutely refuse to tell you how much I spent but suffice to say it was too much. I even bought a spray-on numbing agent.

So away I spray, securely seated on a towel on the bathroom floor (I'm not putting my butt on that floor. It's hairy) and slather on a nice, thick coat of Wicked Witch of the West Green wax. Rub on a strip to make sure it sticks, hold taunt and OH MY EFFING GOD WAS THAT UNPLEASANT. Not only was my nether region NOT numb, it made the wax not want to stick to the strip. Multiple attempts were made at removing THE SAME CLUMP of wax. To. No. Avail.

BUT! I'd thought of this and my kit kindly came with a bottle of Wax Off, for the purpose of removing left behind waxy residue! One problem? The Wax Off was on the other side of the bathroom.

Yes, I most certainly did. For those of you who have read that horrible email that did NOTHING to dissuade me from this endeavor, you know what is about to happen. I stood up. I IMMEDIATELY regretted that decision. I waddled uncomfortably to the Wax Off and proceeded to rub it onto the problem area. But here is the real kicker, what they don't tell you in school. This miracle Wax Off shit? About as effective as my numbing agent. Oh, it clears the wax off the skin alright, makes it nice and brittle so you can chip it away. But it's a REAL pity if some of that wax just so happens to still be attached to some hair. Now you're forced to remove those chunks A LITTLE BIT AT A TIME. And what's more unpleasant than ripping hairs out by the root? Doing it slowly and in small increments.

And the real bitch of it all? It's patchy. I still have to go over my bikini line with a razor to clean up the parts that didn't turn out so smooth. And for what? It's not even bathing suit season! Apparently, I didn't think I had enough material for here. Needed to spice it up a bit. LEARN YOUR LESSONS FROM ME KIDS. If you're brave dumb enough to go through with it, professional is the way to go.