BABY DADDY

Before I regale you with the originally scheduled story, I feel the need to tell you about the incident that happened today.

So there I was, minding my own business when OUT OF NO WHERE, my business decided, "Elbow? I don't need no fricking elbow." To which end I promptly swung my innocent appendage into a cabinet.

Holy freaking crap the pain. NO ONE ON EARTH HAS EVER FELT THIS MUCH PAIN. (Commense with the shutting it.) The searing heat of the assaulted area combined with the prickling, heavy sensation of my hand, friends, I have not been that breath-takingly stupid since I nearly tore my toe off when I crushed it against the side of my computer tower and that was nearly two whole months ago. (And, apparently, nearly scaring the piss out of D.O. when I almost fell on the trail that was quite close to a cliff is a whole new kind of stupid and thus doesn't apply here.)

And now on to our regularly scheduled programming.

This is Matt:E.


Everyone say, "Hi Matt:E."

(Hi Matt:E.)

For those of you new to the area and those of you not paying attention, Matt:E has been a somewhat prominent feature through the years. (You can check him out here, here, here, here, here, here, here, also here, here, and finally, because I'm tired of looking, here.)

So it should go without saying that Matt:E and I? We're pretty good friends, much better friends than either of us probably ever admit. For some reason, probably because we're both sort of assholes, we just click. Hell, we went to Canada together for a week, a 15-hour drive each way and NOBODY DIED.

Now all of this is NOT to say that Matt:E and I have EVER had any sort of romantic feelings towards one another. Because... he's Matt:E. Attractive though he may be... he's Matt:E. Case in point: Just the other day, while I was wearing my new favoritest shirt ever, he actually asked me why I was looking so sexy. (For the record, it was my new favoritest shirt BEFORE he said that.) While there was certainly some awwage, there were no funny, twinkling feelings of crushiness nor overzealous joy nor did I begin planning our wedding or naming out 2.5 kids. It is just not in me to have THOSE feelings for Matt:E.

So imagine mine and everyone elses surprise when I had a dream about Matt:E. A dream about him and me and me and him having a baby. Together. A female baby. A baby that asshat kept losing.

And even in the dream I'm all "Dude? The hell? HOW DO YOU KEEP LOSING OUR KID? NO, I WILL NOT CALM DOWN UNTIL YOU FIND OUR GOD DAMN BABY!!!"

He found the baby and I'm not eating right before bed EVER AGAIN.