SLRd Speech: A FORMAL INTRODUCTION

Dear the Interwebs:

This is Adam.

I realize this picture is blurry and hard to see but I had to steal it off of Facebook because I got distracted Wednesday night, what with the naked, manly chest and all, and forgot to take another one.

You'll forgive me, I'm sure.

Now, I must admit that this little questionnaire took on a slightly different turn than I was expecting because... well.. I don't know if you've noticed, but I tend to be sarcastic and maybe even a little snarky on this here blog thing and my questions were certainly flavored in similar undertones.

His responses however, not so much. They ended up being far more cute and aww-y and, to be perfectly honest, a little bit barfy for anyone who may continue reading (which, of course means I totally melted and now want to have his babies. No, really. Ovaries are DEMANDING to be taken seriously here.)

All I'm saying is you've been warned.

And now to commence with what you've all been coming here MULTIPLE TIMES A DAY for. Enjoy.

My Questions: (Now with commentary!)

What are your Intentions with me?

When I think ‘intentions’, I think ulterior motives and pre-defined limitations of a relationship. I don’t have either of these. I want us to be ourselves and see where it takes us.

So you don't want to get in my pants? That's a little disappointing. (HI DAD!!)

What are you looking for in the opposite sex?

I looking for a woman that is happy being herself and isn’t pre-occupied with ‘Normal’. Someone with a sense of humor in line with my own. And of course, someone I’m physically attracted to.

Hey! No one has EVER accused me of being "normal."

What’s the most annoying thing that I do?

Making a reasonable request at inopportune times.

Followed closely by asking loaded questions.

So, what are you wearing?

Gym shorts… It’s hot.

I concur, though I took it a step further and just didn't wear pants. My neighbors LOVE ME.

What’s the most common phrase you hear come out of my mouth?

I think you know, and it corresponds with your most annoying thing.

Heh. You really should just obey.

Can I customize you to my exact specification?

I’m clay in the hands of a master artist.

Aww, he called me "Master." Boy's learning quick.

Do you respond better to positive or negative reinforcement?

I’m sensing a theme… I would say I respond equally to both.

I have NO IDEA what you're talking about.

What would you think if I told you my dad asked if you’d made it to second base yet?

That he was sorry he asked.

Oh, he was.

Wanna make out later?

Absolutely.

Damn right you do.

Am I really as awesome to date as everyone thinks/says?

I a little curious how everyone knows how awesome you are to date, but I’m definitely going to argue.

I get around.

Why do you think that I’m allergic to you?

It was just a hypothesis I was working on early on, you kept sneezing and coughing whenever I was close. You don’t seem to displaying the symptoms any longer but you could’ve built up immunity…

Aw, see I was beginning to agree with you.

What all you determined I’m using you for?

First off, you said it first. But here’s the list so far: my backyard, laundry, I make an excellent Guin chew toy, and I think there was something else…

See, this is where, if you were smart, you'd say things like, "Of course you can come over and use my washing machine. That just gives me a chance to spend more time with you. Hey, while you're at it and if it isn't too much to ask, could you throw some of my work shirts/jeans/underwear in with yours?" But see, now you've missed your chance because I'M ON TO YOU!

What are you going to be wearing in 10 minutes?

You’re right. These would’ve been more fun if I was answering this while you were here, too.

That's because I am ALWAYS right.

Do you like Guinness?

Of course!

You're the only one...

Your Questions: (followed by EVEN MORE commentary!!)

What do you do for a living?

I’m a computer programmer at a company called ((CENSORED, you know, just in case)) in Cincinnati. We make/import bath & window décor and sell it to all of the major retailers. I write software that support all the phases of business.

Oh my god, I want you.

Do you have any siblings?

Yes, 2 brothers and a sister. I am the oldest, then my sister who just graduated law school, then my brother who graduated from college a year ago and my final bro just finished his junior year in college.

I have yet to meet them so no comment yet.

Do you truly understand the sister dynamic? And to stay out of the line of fire?

I’ve been warned but in the line of fire is more fun than on the side lines, most of the time.

Ohh! Ohh, sweetie, no. I'll admit it's fun to watch and your best course of action would be to grab a beer and pull up a chair (while still ensuring room for a hasty retreat), but I would recommend you NEVER step into the line of fire. We can make grown men cry. I've seen us do it.

Do you like spicy food?

Yep.

He tastes like jalapeños.

Could you hold your own when drinking with Trini?

I’ve been told I wouldn’t stand a chance, and I’d have to agree.

Can anyone?

What's your Cornhole (the GAME PEOPLE!!) handicap?

I’m not sure how to calculate my handicap but I win more than I lose.

I'll show you cornhole.

The way I see it, there are 2 kinds of people: those who like Animaniacs and those who don't. So, which are you?

I like the Animaniacs, I haven’t seen it for a long time but I have multiple songs on my pc.

And he's zany to the max!

Who is your favorite Muppet?

When I was a young’n I would’ve said Animal but I’ve got some Swedish Chef clips on my pc.

It's a lie. He totally digs Miss Piggy.

If you could pick any nickname for yourself, what would it be and why?

Trabek, because I’ve been handing out so many answers to questions.

Favorite SNL sketch EVER.

If you could provide me with transportation, what would it be?

I have a Mazda, but I’m thinking of getting a Vespa… KIDDING

Son, please. You're going to be riding bitch on the back of my V*Star.

What is your nickname for me?

I don’t have one yet.

I would respond to "woman" but only if it were used in the form of a question. (ie - "Woman, where's my sammich?!")

Angelina or Jen?

They’re both crazy, but if I had to choose, Angelina.

The man has a thing for sexy lips.

Do you cook? Better yet, do you cook well?

I don’t actively cook for myself. I have in the past but I don’t take the time anymore. I can definitely follow a recipe.

Feed me?

Where did you go to school?

Miami University

This makes him better than you.

What did you major in?

System Analysis (Computer Science)

Be still my beating heart.

What was you GPA?

I’m not entirely sure, between 2.6 and 2.8 I think, but closer to 3.5 within my major.

HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW?! My entire self-worth REVOLVED around my GPA. I realize now I had issues and I'll appreciate you shutting it.

What is you best quality?