CONVERSATIONS WITH COWORKERS

Me: "I'm excited. I get to go to Olive Garden tonight."

Coworker A: "Why are you going there?"

Me: "I have a date with lucky Bachelor #9."

Coworker A: "After you're done with him can I be Bachelor #10?"

Me: "Aww. That's sweet of you but you don't exactly meet my qualifications. I mean, for one, you're married."

Coworker A: "I'm also 64."

Me: "There is that."

Coworker 2: "You know there's a saying: There may be snow on the mountain but that doesn't mean there isn't a fire in the furnace."

Coworker A: "But does he have the wood to sustain the fire?"

THE TALLY SO FAR

Guinness	Chewbacca	Naughty Occurrence
X	X	Marked in Grandma and Grandpaw's house
	X	Marked more than once in Grandma and Grandpaw's house
	X	Almost marked his Grandpaw's leather jacket
X		Almost marked his Grandpaw's brandy new motorcycle
X	X	Snuck in the laundry room
X		Snuck in the laundry room and pooped on Grandma's pink shirt
X	X	Attempted to pick a fight with a dog that was bigger than him
X	X	Instigated a fight with his cousin
X		Won those fights
X	X	Got put in time out
X		Required his jaws pried open to retrieve the treat he stole from his cousin
X	X	Bit his mama
X	X	Bit his aunt
X	X	Got called a "bad egg" by his Grandpaw
X		Ran out of the yard
X	X	Promptly passed out upon leaving his Grandma and Grandpaw's house

COJONES

"The machine ate your document."

"That machine! That machine hates me!"

"Oh! (My boss' boss' boss)! It's not just that machine."

"I HEARD THAT!"

MAN DOWN

Like nearly every other day before, I arrived home for lunch just moments after 11:30 a.m. and unlocked the door. I stepped over the threshold and closed the door softly behind me. Turning, I took my first tentative stride up the steps when my eyes fell upon it.

A lone, plastic squeaker.

I reached out, picking it up gingerly, almost reverently, and gave it a test squeeze. A wheezy, half-hearted cough dribbled from the pin-hole mouth. My shocked and appalled stare fell on Guinness. He stared, cool, calm and collected, back at me.

Slowly I continued up the stairs knowing in my very core what I was about to find yet hoping beyond hope it wouldn't be true.

The carnage I found was horrid. Fluffy, white squirrel guts were strewn the breadth of the living room and into the hall, the torn and broken carcass left carelessly where it had fallen. I laughed in exasperation. Guinness casually sniffed his butt.

Goodbye, dear squirrel friend. Depart knowing you lasted longer than puppy and probably hour-per-hour matched ducky. Goodbye that $6 I spent that would have been used just as effectively had I put it in Guinness' mouth directly. At least now I won't have to smell your bad dog-breath scented body or feel the brush of your slobber drenched faux fur. Nor will I ever again be awaken at THREE THIRTY IN THE EFFING MORNING BECAUSE, OH HI, MOM! YOU WERE GONE ALL EVENING AND I DIDN'T WANT YOU TO MISS ANY IMPORTANT PLAY TIME! YOU'RE AWAKE(ISH) NOW?! LOVEMELOVEMELOVEMEPETMEBITE! BITE BITE! WHAT? YOU DON'T LIKE BITE? HOW ABOUT IF I DO IT LIKE THIS? NO? HOW ABOUT HARDER?!

Little shit.

GO LOCAL SPORTS TEAM AND/OR COLLEGE!

"Hey! Why don't you stop bogarting my ticket?!"

"What did you say?"

"... Stop bogarting my ticket?"

"What does that even mean?"

"Hogging."

"..."

"Hogging? To hog?"

"..."

"It means, 'May I have my ticket, please?'"

"You're weird."

"I know."


(Tonight marks a monumentous occassion, for tonight is the first night I shall ever attend a Reds game, EVER, despite having lived in Cincinnati for nigh on seven years now. A fact which caused my coworker to call me a horrible human being. And I WOULD have called him an ass in return but the new girl was there and we're supposed to act all nice and not strange around the new girl. But he's a short, stubby bastard!)

KIND OF OKAY

This morning when I walked into work I found out that a four-year-old boy drowned in one of our pool on Saturday.

This evening when I was out with Guinness, he spent the better part of the mile walk home from the park trying to catch bugs.

Sometimes life really, really sucks.

And then sometimes... it's kind of okay.

WE NEED GIRLFRIENDS

Yesterday, Potential Bachelor #8 (Why yes, we are up to number 8.)("Potential" because he has not yet asked me out. Oh, but he will. Because I am that awesome.) introduced me to "We Need Girlfriends".

I am now much in his debt.

I am also now much in need of this shirt:



Which you may buy for me here. (XL, please.)

Just watch. Only then can you truely understand the awesomeness.


(Also, my dog just gave me an in to introduce myself to one of my neighbors. All I have to say about that is GOOD DOG.)

BOOB DAY*

"What are you doing?"

"Not much, why?"

"We're walking by the building and I think you should come out and say hi."

"Why?"

"Because it would be nice."

"Ehh."

"And because I'm wearing an awesome boob shirt."

"Ohh!"

"With no bra."

"What's with the skank?"

"Because it's hot out."

"And hot equals skank?"

"Um, yeah. So are you coming out?"

"I'll be right there."


*Blatently stolen from the sexiest man on the internet.

24: THERE WILL BE LUNCH

The following is a phone conversation that took place between the hours of 11 and noon:

"What?"

"Did you get me a chocolate milkshake?"

"YES! I got you a freaking milkshake."

"Really?"

"Yeah, and I got me one, too."

"Oh, well that's good, because I was just calling to offer you sexual favors to convince you to get said milkshake."

"Wait, what? Wha... what sexual favors?"

"Well, nothing now because you already got me mah milkshake."

"What?! You suck!"

"Muahahahahaha!"

"That's it! I'm just going to drink your milkshake!"

"NOOOOO!"

LESSON LEARNED

Apparently, it is not wise to use the search term "swallows" (the bird) when your safe search function is turned off.

Ew.

Ed. Note: Particularly when the bird I meant to look up was a sparrow.

Sigh.

AT LEAST I HOPE YOU WERE BLITZED

Dear Random Drunk Woman in a Bar;

If you are going to get blitzed out of you mind and yell things like you "ain't got no tits or no ass," then I cannot be held responsible when my snarky-assed response is, "Well let us all thank God for your charming personality."

It simply could not be helped.

Sincerely,

The Management

NOT YOUR PAWN

Um... I almost feel as though the stars and moons and planets all aligned in perfect order last night. All in an attempt to play a practical joke on me.

I mean, there I was talking to the man I should want but don't, the man I do want but probably can't have, the man I shouldn't want but still kinda do a weeeeee little bit, and the man I cannot stand.

ALL. IN. THE. SAME. NIGHT.

Three of them AT. THE. SAME. TIME.

I mean hell, don't you people have jobs?

And I'm struggling, dear interwebs, to wrap my simple girl brain around the absurdity of it all. I.. I just can't. I am failing miserably. And all I have to say for myself is I must have pissed off some minor god something awful for him to be screwing with me like this.

Not that I'm upset by all this attention. I just don't get it. WHY ALL AT THE SAME TIME?!

OH HOT DAMN

Bachelor #5? FA-REAKING H-O-T.

He has a beard. He used to train in UFC. He's built like I like, all broad in the chest. He has a beard. He has four tattoos. He's smart and funny. He has two dogs, one of them a pitbull. Did I mention he has a beard?

Good god, I really hope he calls me back.

ON SECOND THOUGHT

The first thought that flashed through my mind as I stepped into the cool, slick wetness on the floor began with "f" and ended in "ucking bastard."

The second thought that passed through my head was about how I spilt some of his water on the floor when I refilled his dish and was too lazy to wipe it up.

Let us all take a moment to thank God for that second thought.

BETTER THAN ANY OTHER KIND OF WHORE

So Bachelor #2 may not have wooed me, but he did just call to ask me to a movie on Saturday, and, if I play my cards right, there may be a Bachelor #4.

I am such an attention whore.

MY WEEKEND

So let me tell you about my weekend. Bachelor #3? I ended up meeting him and several of his friends on Thursday night at the bar.

Oh. My. God.

He was so painfully awkward it hurt. HURT. Seriously, who the hell is stupid enough to invite a woman HE JUST MET to sit on his lap or, later, to join in the proposed wet t-shirt contest several of his white ass trash friends are teasing about having? I... am appalled. Disgusted. More than mildly annoyed. So I cancelled Sunday because, son, please.

The other two dates weren't bad. They just weren't what I was looking for.

So... yeah. Lackluster at best. Plus one very idiotic, moronic, stupid-ass hick. And now I'm feeling lonely. Because some of this made me realize a little bit of what I might want. And oh, surprising, it's a little bit of what I can't have.

Seems like a familiar theme.

DOOR #3

Three dates. I now have three dates for this weekend.

I spent a better portion of my time at the laundry mat talking to Bachelor #3. I told him my dog was named Guinness. He told me we have to get married now.

He watches NASCAR, listens to country music, and drives a pickup truck.

I told him welcome to the family.

EGOTISTICAL

For the record, in case any one had any doubts, the ego boost alone is so worth the money it cost to sign up.

Yeehaw.