THIS ENTRY IS ABOUT PIRATES*

It would appear that I am wholey incapable of putting on makeup. It never fails. I make my way to my toilet of choice for my now daily early morning work poo, I peek into the mirror (which admittedly has much better lighting than mine at home) and find streaks. Of unblended makeup. This morning it was along my eyebrow but yesterday it was in the middle of my forehead AND I didn't catch it so early in the day. What sort of girl am I? Honestly.

So. Now. You might be wondering WHY I have a toilet of choice. This is because the wonderfully brilliant people who designed the building I work in thoughtfully added the "shitter" (handicap) bathroom. I am sooo NOT the only one who uses it for this purpose.

Don't ask me how I know.

It is a single occupancy bathroom with rails available for power pushes should you really deem that sort of move prudent at work when attempting to make this shameful, messy necessity as unobtrusive as possible.

I've only once ever been interrupted during this, my early morning ritual, and oh the pity. I mean, HOW do you convey in a solitary, sympathetic glance the absolute necessity that she not go in there? You have GOT to let that air out, sweetheart. I mean, damn.

Speaking of damnation, is it wrong the level of mirth I got today when I farted in my boss' office?

SHE WASN'T THERE!

I DIDN'T DO IT ON PURPOSE!

You know what else I DEFINATELY didn't do on purpose? I ALSO farted at the gym tonight. Loudly. I was on the "GLUTE ISOLATOR!!!" Do you have any effing clue how difficult it is to hold in your gas when you're horse kicking a 40 lb. weight out behind you? Oh my effing shit. I would have MUCH rather THAT have not happened.

LUCKILY, it is very noisy in there with all the treadmills and such. Not so luckily, there was definately a guy behind me. Heh.

Oops.

In case you hadn't been paying attention, I've been having bowel issues recently. Of the gurgling around uncomfortably in my intestine sort. This has happened before. The gas remained in my gut so long that it started causing me pain rather than just the normal level of discomfort. We're talking levels of pain that would cause me to DOUBLE OVER. The kind of pain that made Courtney threaten to take me to the hospital if it didn't knock itself the hell off in a very speedy amount of time.

I'm seriously tempted to blame it on the coffee I've recently started drinking in the morning rather than the amount of fiber I've been consuming because isn't fiber supposed to help your bowels, not hinder them with excessive flatulance? And it really is crappy coffee but I am unwilling to cut one or the other out for a week to see if that helps because FIBER IS FREAKING GOOD FOR ME GODDAMNIT and I get up WAY too early to not drink coffee (I've stopped drinking pop (too much sugar) so that won't work). Drinky, drinky coffee equals functionality. Apparently, that's worth an irritable bowel.


*Aarrrhhh! (See? That's the sound a pirate makes.)