HUSSIE

MY GRANDMOTHER HAS A GENTLEMAN CALLER. I am SOOOOO not kidding. My sister and I kindly offered to take her to the Victoria Secret sale and buy her a One-Hell-Of-A-Miracle bra and a thong.

Then we had to explain what a thong was.

Apparently, it's nothing serious. They've only gone on five dates and he hasn't even tried to hold her hand yet, much to Grandma's dismay. He HAS, however, invited her upstairs and told his son she's the realor. MY GRANDMOTHER IS SOMEONE'S DIRTY LITTLE SECRET!!!

It was in the course of finding out she'd seen his bedroom that we adopted a don't ask, don't tell policy with Grandma. We don't want to know about her sex life, and she doesn't want to know about Jaymie's. I, unfortunately, do not have this sex life you speak of. You mean boys and girls get NAKED IN FRONT OF ONE ANOTHER?! AND THEY DO WHAT WITH THEIR NAUGHTY BITS?! Ew.

I THOUGHT I KNEW YOU

Life as I know it is OVER, GONE F-O-R-E-V-E-R, never to return to the way it once was, long before the loss of my innocence, my naivety. And all because of one seemingly innocent little side comment that revealed my DAD for the dirty, rotten liar that he is.

Tonight, upon returning from what HAD BEEN UP TO THAT POINT a fun-filled evening of movies and mockery of the younger sibling, my dad DROPPED A BOMB OF A SECRET, one so heinous and egregious that it could SHREAD THE VERY FIBERS that HAD BEEN holding this family together. Tonight, as we pulled into the garage of my parents home, my father told me the he LIED TO ME ABOUT WHERE HE USED TO HIDE THE DAMN CHRISTMAS PRESENTS!!!

(SPEECHLESS HORROR AND APPALLED SHOCK)

Bastard!

Apparently, DESPITE WHAT HE TOLD ME AS A CHILD, he NEVER hid anything over at Barb and David's house. That was just a clever ruse so my innocent, curious, inquisitive, extraordinary, innocent, blossoming, childlike, innocent mind wouldn't go "exploring" to find what they got me before the big day. It didn't hurt either that the back room in the basement where he admitted to hiding said objects of interest was TERRIFYING! If he hadn't torn it out to expand the basement recently, I would STILL have some sort of dread associated with any endeavor that might make it necessary to enter that place. I used to HURL my body out that room doing the Heeby Jeeby Dance as a form of cleansing ritual. I wouldn't have gone snooping. I'd have sent in my little sister, you know, as a sacrifice.

I DREAM OF JEANNIE

Maybe, JUST MAYBE, you have a few issues if you DREAM. ABOUT. BLOGGING. Someone in my dream suggested I blog whatever was happening and I agreed that, yeah! That would be a good idea. Then I woke up.

Sigh.

I WOULDN'T BE A TOYS 'R' US KID

*When I first started this blog, I told myself it was always going to be funny, particularly at my own expense. This post isn't funny.

I recently finished with part one of a two part series, that being getting the hell done with design. The next step, only a quarter away from completion, is journalism.

So what the shit do I do next?

I have NEVER known what I wanted to be when I grew up. Hell, I only went into design on a whim and to prove to myself I could do it. And it has made. me. miserable. Only recently have I had fantasies of ACTUALLY DOING IT once I graduated, the first I've had in probably two years. I just don't fit into the 'art kid' mold, not in high school and certainly not now. I hang out with ENGINEERS! I am attracted to ENGINEERS! It's been asked why in the hell I'm NOT an ENGINEER! (just because Mythbusters is the coolest show EVER!)

The singular goal after graduation I can't stop thinking about (again) is the Peace Corps and getting the hell out of here. But what do I, a designer, have to offer the Peace Corps? I would be so much more helpful as an engineer. But there's the rub. I DON'T WANT to be an engineer in the US for the rest of my life. If I HAD gone that route, chances are good I wouldn't be coming back. As it were, I'll spend my two years in some third world country and I'll love every heartbreaking, terrifying minute of it. Then, broken and bruised, I'll come back to the United States, probably not Ohio (sorry, Mom), and I will use design in the form of magazines to help create an awareness here. National Geographic, or The New Yorker, or Relevant even, just SOME forum/medium/media to let people know what I've seen/heard/done.

Maybe, maybe that will be the experience for the book I've been wanting to write, the only thing I've consistantly wanted to do since I was in the 6th grade. Maybe I'll do that once I grow up.

LIVE WITH ROOMMATES, PART THREE

"Oh my God, that SpikeTV commercial guy was THE nerdiest looking guy ever."

"So that means you like him, right?"

"Oh, well played my grasshopper."



"You're not going to blog what she said, are you?"

"I wasn't going to until you mentioned it."

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT

Did anyone else know they accept your Bearcat Campus Card at one of the local t-a-t-t-o-o shops?! TA-TTOO.

Parents, just when you thought the money you put on that card for little Timmy/Tina was going to get him/her a square (or not-so-square) meal at one of Clifton's many dining establishments, your son/daughter comes home with a tribal tattoo/tramp stamp that YOU UNWITTINGLY PAID FOR. GO PUBLIC EDUCATION SYSTEM, GO!

LOVE LETTERS, PART 1

Dear Dan D.,
You know I love you and I'm glad you have found yourself a new, hopefully marketable talent, but if the fruits of your effort are ever strewn across my lawn again, I am going to have to DUCT TAPE YOUR BUTT TOGETHER!
Love, Shannon R.

THINGS I LEARNED TONIGHT

Dan can crush beer cans with his bare butt cheeks.

GERMAN BEER HOUSE + PRETENTIOUS SENIOR DESIGNERS =

Because we're excited to be here! Now, where's the beer?

Kyle's having a good time reading the non-vegetarian, non-kosher menu.



Bailey decided the only way to make this fun was by drinking, heavily. Oh, and coming up with ways to humilate/slightly injure DICK!



Bailey found the bar? This just might be a good time yet.



Tim thinks just because he's a superhero (or a pretty girl)...



...that he's allowed to have his way with Shane.



Tim and Jes predict how their nights are going to go later.



Now THAT, that is taking a shot. Go, George, go.



It's never an inappropriate time to gamble.



Bailey took this picture after the "first time" I ever bossed Shane around. Tisk, tisk, tisk. Oh, Bailey. You haven't a clue.



All the ladies love Dave.



Even Duffy loves Dave. He seems tender, doesn't he?



Bailey: "WHY IS SHE TOUCHING ME?! PUT DOWN THE GOD DAMN CAMERA AND SAVE ME, ASSHOLE!"
Danielle: "..."




*All photos courtesy of Shane.

I LIKE THE WAY YOU MOVE

Now see, most women... most women DISCOURAGE men from objectifying women. Something about "there's more to a woman than her body" which I totally agree with. Their is WAY more to a woman than her body but OH. MY. GOD. when you have an ass like that, I'm willing to make an exception.

Yesterday, on my way to opening night at the DAAPWorks show, I was minding my own damn business when up walks this little blond. Her face was cute enough but not stunning, though her body was enviable.

And then I saw her walk. THE WOMAN HAD AN ASS THAT COULD STOP TRAFFIC. I S-T-A-R-E-D the ENTIRE way to those steps, then up those steps, until I passed her in the hall. Sweet mother, an ass like that HAD to be shared. It would have been selfish of me to keep that all to myself. So I told a few people (boys, because who else is going to think the fact that I'm starting at another woman's ass isn't only funny, but okay?), and incited a small feeding frenzy.

And then today, I see her AGAIN when I'm at dinner, and I swear to you! You can hear her ass "cha-ching" after EACH DAMN STEP. At least this time I could use the napkin to wipe away the drool.

WHY I SHOULD WRITE COMMERCIALS

"Hi, Cindy."
"Hi, Sue."
"What did you have for dinner last night."
"Oh, I had one of those big kosher meat. They're delish!"
"Really? Where can I find myself one of these kosher meats?"
"Well Sue, you just need to find yourself a welling and able Jew to show you how it's done!
"Really? A Jew? I heard they didn't go for non-jewish girls."
"Are you kidding?! They even have a name for women like us!"

Shiksa. Where to put your big kosher meat.


**THIS MESSAGE WAS APPROVED BY A JEW.

TAKING A PROBING

"And what have you two been doing 'hanging out.'"
"Crossing the cultural divide."
"Seriously, what did you do besides talk and watch movies?"
"He helped me with my religious studies paper."
"Aww, that was nice of him. He's a good guy like that."
"I was totally kidding about the paper."

THE MORE THEY STAY THE SAME

I scratched the shit out of my thigh sitting on the porch ledge with a skirt on.

The chinese food.. not THAT good.

The skin on my hand is peeling. I thought that facewash stuff was only supposed to work on F-A-C-E-S.

Things N-O-T to yell off the porch was acted out for MY benefit.

Asshole number one CHANGED MY TAGLINE WITHOUT MY PERMISSION AFTER WE WENT AROUND FOR 5 DAMN MINUTES ABOUT IT AND HE CHANGED IT ANYWAY!!

The ending of that movie TOTALLY SUCKED, but at least it was no A Sound of Thunder.

"I really like that butt."
"I really like that the WAY OF LOVE sign is pointing at that butt."

"I asked you the question. I HAVE one. I don't have to like other ones."

"If you hear squealing and yelling, that's just the roommate seeing it for the first time."

Asshole number one made me cry. Prick.

I caved.

I caved even after I told Asshole number two no. Sissy.

"Come on. We should be doing something productive. Like drinking."

"Is it weird I feel macho because I just yank the label off the top like that."
(Taking a swig FROM THE BOTTLE) "You were saying?"

"I like this lighter. I stole this lighter."
"I am so surprised."

THAT FELT GOOD

If you know ANYTHING about Digital Design, then know that when you put 3 designers in a room, AT LEAST 4 of those designers have the biggest, most unjustified egos ON THE PLANET, particularly in the realm of who is more talented. Well, we have one designer in particular (it's really a group of them we call the Fantastic Four... not because we deem them to BE fantastic, nor even because there are four of them since the group has actually expanded in the last quarter, but because it's catchy and we're suckers for any insult? we can manage) who can be described as nothing short of a DICK! Oh my God, is this guy a DICK!, and NOTHING, NO OTHER INSULT I'VE EVER THOUGHT OF, comes anywhere near as close to describing this guy. This is why we RELISH the opportunity to put DICK! in his place, even just a little bit. Like today:

"Oh! Juicy Juice!" (Thanks, mom!)

"This food is for the Digital Seniors only." (READ THE PAPER PLATE, BITCHES!)

"But DICK! said we could have some."

"You tell DICK! he can kiss my ass."

"Well, who's saying it."

"YOU. TELL. HIM. SHANNON. SAID. HE. CAN. KISS. MY. ASS."

Now, DICK! is more than welcome to partake of the snacky goodness simply by BEING a Digital Design Senior, no matter how we may feel toward him. BUT! But, he did not contribute a DIME to the refreshments, so seriously. Seriously, DICK! KISS MY ASS! And I'm not the only one who feels this way:

Jessica B: "I'm so glad that happened."

LIFE WITH ROOMMATES, PART DEUCE

Me: "I have holes [in my pants]."

Katie: "Ohh! Easy access. So some guy has multiple options."

Marta: "Is that what we're calling them now? Options?"

Me: "CHRIS! I have options!

Marta: "Everyone has options."

Me: You want to explore my options?"

Chris: "I've already explored your options."

Me: "WHAT?!"

Chris: "I did it when you were asleep."

Me: "Well, that isn't fair."