A GLIMPSE INTO OUR PARENTING STYLE

"HE PEED ON THE FRICKIN' BED!"

"I know. I'm sorry."

"What? Why are you sorry?"

"I should have let him out before we came upstairs."

"I don't care! He P-E-E-D on the frickin' bed. I think we should crate him for the night.

"That's what I was thinking."

"If that little shit is going to act like a puppy, I'm going to treat him like a damn puppy."

(LATER)

"So wait... When exactly did the peeing start?"

"When I grabbed his collar to yank him off the bed."

"You mean when he whimpered?"

"Yeah."

"So he was scared at the time?"

"Possibly."

"... Okay, I feel guilty now because he did it submissively."

"It is not going to hurt him to spend the night in his crate."

"Right."

"..."

"You realize we're going to have these same sort of conversations about Kid-Thing?"

"And it won't hurt him to sleep in the crate either." (Okay. So he didn't really say that last part but I'm sure it was only because he didn't think of it at the time.)

DAMNIT

Dear my immune system,

I'm not sure if you remember back a mere few weeks ago but you and I? We just got over a head cold coupled with an excessively annoying cough that woke us up at night and made me (if not you as well) crabby.

Now. I don't know if you know this, but I just checked the calendar to confirm and it is in fact the holidays that are beginning promptly at 4 p.m. tomorrow. I don't want to be crabby for the holidays. But, you see, I'm scared. Scared, dear immune system, because this morning a coworker pointed out that I was sounding a little froggy. Then, coincidence, I developed a sore throat this afternoon.

Now, I don't mean to be pointing any fingers but it IS beginning to look (and feel) like one of us (and that would be you) is slacking on the duties around here. AND RIGHT BEFORE THE FRIGGIN' HOLIDAYS! Dear immune system, WTF? I mean, I realize I'm pregnant and all BUT IT'S THE HOLIDAYS! AND WE HAVE TO DRIVE! A LOT. I don't WANNA with the sicky!

Therefore, under penalty of sleep deprivation and irritable moodiness, I expect IMMEDIATE improvements. Meaning that twinge I just felt in my left ear? DAMN WELL BETTER BE NOTHING OR SO HELP ME GOD!

Sincerely,
The Management

* * * * * * * *

Dear Dog-Thing,

Do not EVER sit on my hand after you have just come inside from doing your business because IT WAS WET. And I don't know if it was from your butt or your wee doggy boy-bits but I know you did both BECAUSE I SAW YOU and that sort of behavior is just UTTERLY unacceptable.

Sincerely,
Yer Mama

PS: Stop trying to steal my yarn you annoying little shit.

PSS: Thank you for keeping my shoulders warm.

MAN BUTT

"Hey Adam. Do you want some moist towellettes for your delicate backside?"

"It's not delicate. It's a man butt. We use sandpaper."

"..."

"What?"

"I love you a lot."

A STORY ABOUT A DOG

And in particular, this dog:


For those of you unawares (which should be no one but I'll appreciate you playing along), this is Guinness, my corgi/terrier mix.

Why yes, he IS dressed like a chicken. Because he lost a bet. A bet that Adam and I couldn't restrain him long enough to get that costume on him. Fool.

Now, being a corgi/terrier mix, he has turned himself into an ever vigilant watch dog making sure that his nose prints on the living room window prevent any perp who may glance in from seeing anything but dry dog snot or telling the occasional neighbor, yeah that one, walking down the sidewalk. How DARE he pass by MY yard?! Does he not know who I am? I bet if I bark he'll learn his lesson. Yeah, yeah that's right. YOU WALK AWAY. Man, he better not come any closer. Else I may be forced to bark at him louder.

This sort of guarding technique isn't uncommon among the canine crowd, but Guinness has another "guarding" duty that he performs as if the fate of the world depended on it. See, Guinness likes to point out, through the use of pawing and especially licking, if Adam or I have a stray body part showing. One that may not be appropriate for public consumption. Like a nipple. Or certain boy parts. BECAUSE IT OFFENDS HIM.

And don't get me wrong. We've certainly tried to discourage this sort of behavior because I personally am not that fond of getting felt up by a dog tongue but we are starting to discover that it certainly does seem to have it's advantages. Like, hypothetically, when Adam throws water at my face, and as a brilliant, gleeful, only slightly evil form of retaliation, I may or may not have thrown his towel out into the hallway while he was still in the shower so he had to run the doggy gauntlet while wet and showing off body parts that Guinness is adamantly opposed to seeing all the while I giggled and cackled to my bitter, black heart's content.

Except, you know, hypothetically.

CHALLENGE

"Adam, do I embarrass you?"

"What? No. You're going to have to try harder than that."

"I accept your challenge."

TIS ONLY A FLESH WOUND

Today I made a damn fine attempt at cutting a large chunk of my thumb off, and now they're threatening to take my X-acto blades away.



But don't fret. Once we realized we couldn't stop the bleeding, my coworker took me to an Urgent Care and some charmingly smart-assish doctor glued it back together. And now I'm not allowed to get it wet for 48 hours.



Washing my hair might prove to be a bit of a challenge.



Adam would like it pointed out that this is not a case of domestic violence since he has a rather air-tight alibi. He was at work. As was I. I would like it to be pointed out that I managed to not bleed all over my sweater despite my thumb's rather valiant effort otherwise. Because I'm a professional. So kids, don't try this at home.

AT LEAST IT WAS HIS LAUNDRY

"I'm going to go upstairs and play video games."

"Alright. I'll be up in a minute. Would you mind taking up the (freshly clean and FOLDED) laundry?"

"Yup."

"Um. Adam. You are not going to carry that basket of (freshly clean and FOLDED) laundry with a cup hanging out of your mouth."

"Why not?"

"Because you're going to spill it."

"Mm naw gonna sill ih."

"You are and I'm going to have to hurt you."

"Nuuh... DAMNIT!"

"YOU DID NOT."

"I did."

"ADAM."

"What?! It was your negative energy! This is your fault."

"Because I was RATIONAL?"

"Negative."

"Rational!"

"GLASS HALF EMPTY!"

"IT IS NOW!"

HE'S A DIRTY ROTTEN LIAR

I was nothing but charming and TOTALLY NOT ANNOYING THIS WEEKEND. My mother on the other hand....

KIDDING!!! MOMMY COME HELP ME ORGANIZE MORE!!!