PENNY & AGGIE: WHAT YOU CAN'T TEACH

SPIKE

Last week while jogging, Adam found a small miniature dachshund wondering around who was much the worse for wear. We believe his owners abandoned him some time ago because not only can you count ALL of his ribs, but (we believe) he has an infected anal gland because his butt is puffy and swollen o the point he will not sit down (only lay) and his little teeth are rotting out of his head.

He is certainly a pathetic case.

BUT! He is eating soggy food like it's a feast fit for a king, and even had a pee war with Guinness Friday night. In the house. While we were asleep.

Charming little bastards.

But it was while this potential new family member (who the vet told us is named Spike)(he had a vet tag on him and we've been trying to call the old owners for 5+ days) was curled up napping on Adam's lap that I decided to further inspect his various maladies.

I lifted his tail to inspect his butt. It was swollen.

I poked his puffy, swollen butt. It was squishy.

I then poked a lump on his still attached boy parts. Adam was irate.

"YOU DO NOT POKE THE TESTICLES!"

"But! I wanted to see if it was squishy like his butt."

"You do. not. poke. the testicles."

"But he has a lump!"

"No. I don't care. You don't poke his testicles and you don't poke my testicles."

"Wha?! I.. but.. I have NEVER poked your testicles!"

"But you would if given the chance!"

"... I.. no..."

"..."

"ALRIGHT! You're probably right."

"Damn right I am, woman."

Ed Note: Yes, I realize just how demented we both are. IT'S LIKE WE WERE MADE FOR EACH OTHER!! It's S-C-A-R-Y!

GULLIBLE

I will be leaving for Guatemala in a week.

I am not prepared.

BUT I am attempted to prepare and that included running to Walgreens for the THIRD FREAKING TIME (because they hadn't processed the prescription I had dropped off two hours prior and I'm sorry ma'am can you wait 15 more minutes? I couldn't. I went home for a few more hours to stew.. and watch Hairspray.. and I owe Adam an apology and probably a kidney for THAT little monstrosity). Ahem. Anyway, we ran to Walgreens to pick up my malaria medication. I paid. Adam picked up several other things. He paid. With a card. And felt the need to peck at the touchpad without the use of the styllus.

I pointed out this error.

"I don't need a styllus! I am a technological genius. I actually took a class in college on using a keypad without needing a styllus."

"You what? Really?"

"No! I can't believe you feel for that!"

We continued walking across the parking lot and the conversation naturally turned to my impending leaving and said lack of preparations (except, you know, the one.)

"You know, the bad thing about this malaria medication is it's a suppository."

"Oh my God. That's AWESOME! Is it really?"

"No. And by the way, you are a sick, sick bastard for being excited by that."

THWARTED (BUT I LOVE YOU MORE)

Adam, silly, crazy boy that he is, revealed to me last night that when I call him at work and end the phone conversation with an "I love you," he feels obligated to repeat it lest he deal with my wrath (DESPITE ME TELLING HIM A "YOU TOO" WOULD SUFFICE). This was unfortunate yesterday because a coworker overheard him and oh. The shit, it was copious (as well it should have been).

And because I am evil, this made me giggle.

Also because I'm evil and because I leave for lunch earlier than he does, I decided to call him as I was making my way to my car.

"Hello?"

"I was just calling to say I love you."

"Oh. Well in that case, I love you, too."

"You're not in the office, are you?"

"Nope!"

"DAMNIT!!!"

HERE I AM

Hi.

Look, I know i haven't written (or called or texted or IMd and I totally blew you off when I saw you in the grocery store the other day) but I've been busy! What with the stress! And the personal issues! And just a general lack of will to write or be entertaining and I AM NOT YOUR MONKEY!

But fret not, dear interwebs. We are back together again (for now), and my love for you grows stronger with each passing minute (now take off your pants). I won't soon leave your side again (except, you know, when I'm in a third world country and, let's be totally honest here, probably before that, too).

But I've come to a conclusion about you, dear interwebs, that you're sort of slutty and you'll get the attention you so desperately desire from anyone. Even from that guy over there if you've had a few, but your first choice (obviously) is me so I'll do what I can with my limited resources to be your everything, even if only for a little while (but if you give me the clap, so help me God, we're through).

XOXO,
The Management

IT'S GONNA BE A GOOD DAY, TATOR

This morning, I filled Guinness' water dish... and then spilt the majority of the contents down my pants leg.

This morning, as I walked Guinness, he lunged at a truck and as I attempted to calm him, I accidentally unhooked his leash. He started towards traffic and I yelled an explicit and started after him, and I'm pretty sure he smelled my fear because he sat his ass down and looked at me like he was very, very sorry.

And it isn't even 8 o'clock yet.

DON'T RUSH ME

Adam and I went home this weekend to attend my cousin's wedding and I'm a bit disappointed to report only one of my uncles put Adam on the spot by demanding to know what his intentions were with me.

Luckily, my aunts and my mother (mostly my mother) made up for it. Oh yes. They did. And while no one (to my knowledge) came right out and demanded to know a date, they each in their own way made inquiries... to the point where my mother felt obligated to apologize the next day and announced that what she may or may not have said was to in no way be interpreted as her trying to rush anyone.

And while I tease my mother (because it is my God-given right and duty as her daughter), I am thrilled to see Adam so accepted by the three matriarchs of the family, because you remember my snarky, snippy attitude from Friday?

I got that from my mother.

And you know how tact often suffers in my almost crippling drive to be blunt and honest?

I got that from her, too.

And do you know how anyone in my family celebrates any sort of accomplishment or event?

By drinking. In the case of this wedding, drinking heavily. I only bring this up to show just how much my mother must like Adam because I caught her not once but twice whispering conspiratorially with him (presumably about me because <- narcissistic), a drunken gleam in her eye. And she would not presume to be nice with that much alcohol in her system. (Case in point: my mother dropped and/or caused someone else to drop THREE different drinks that night.) So no, my mother was not doing well at hiding any sort of malice at that reception and when pressed about it, all Adam is willing to tell me about what transpired is, "drunk S is funny."

EXCUSES

Um... so yesterday I was all prepared to write you a brilliant and provocative and FUNNY post about the goings on over the weekend, including wedding! And... well, actually only the wedding. BUT THEN! 4 of the o'clock variety came about and the "ehh" I'd been feeling all day turned into "way worse than ehh." More like "cannot move lest I void my warranty." So I stoically texted Adam asking for soup and crackers and pity in general and, being the wonderful boyfriend that he is, he also brought tea and movies and walked my dog and did my dishes.

Because he is the Awesome.

Anyway, the stupid, neurotic receptionist has called off AGAIN, so chances are very good I'll write up a post for your delight and enjoyment for later tonight while I'm covering her phones.

PROBABLY NOT MONDAY EITHER

As bitter, snarky thoughts about one of my coworkers raced through my mind this morning, it occurred to me that recently (shut it), I've become far too judgmental of other people and it would probably do me good to suppress such thoughts and comments. I thought, maybe I should spend the weekend thinking only nice thoughts and leave the snarky in Cincinnati.

But then I remember that I would be home all weekend with my two bitchy, snarky, sarcastic sisters, and that shit just isn't going to cut it.

Maybe Monday.