To use an analogy I've used a million times over, I feel as though I am walking straight for a cliff. I have NO IDEA what is in my forseeable future because I. Don't. Have. One. In three months, my entire college career will be O-V-E-R.
And then what?
I don't yet have a job. I don't even yet have a working portfolio. I have NO idea what is to become of me and I am TERRIFIED. While part of me just wants this last quarter to be over and done with so I can finally move on and stop driving myself crazy with the thinking and the plotting and the planning... I am just so very scared right now. I try to hide it from myself, too, with looking up apartments (the VERY fun part of all this) and avoiding the more obvious concerns. This is also why I've avoided my portfolio for so long because it puts in my face that someone gets to look at my work from the past five years that I'm not satisfied with in order to determine if I'm at all worth their time or effort.
And despite what everyone else has told me, that I'm crazy and I will be fine (and don't get me wrong, I really do appreciate the encouragement) I just don't see it. I want to. I want to see it. I want to know that after all of this I will come out okay and that I will actually be able to care for myself without being a burden on my parents and I will be successful and that I'll find the dream job I think I want. Not immediately. I'm not so naive to think I'll find it right off the bat. Hell, I think I'll be lucky to find ANYTHING.
I've been told I'm silly, that I think this taking care of myself thing is way more difficult than it actually is but I have no proof that anything I think is wrong. I haven't ever been made to test it. To test myself. And what if I fail? After all the time and effort and money my parents have put into me, after all this confidence everyone else seems to have in me... what if I disappoint you all? What if I disappoint me? I'm not okay with that. But I'm also not confident enough to say it isn't even an option. Working retail the rest of my life certainly isn't. I'm a planner! I organize things! I am almost obsessively thorough! But I just have NOTHING to work with right now. NOTHING to grasp onto.
And all I can do is keep heading for that cliff and hope to God the parachute deploys.
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3 comments:
I know I'm nothing new. I know I'm not the only one to ever feel like this.
I just needed to get it out. Because talking about it to who I talked about it with didn't satisfy it so maybe admitting to all of the internet that I'm crawling out of my own skin will make it easier to manage.
I feel so effing melodramatic.
Current mood: disgusted
My darling sister. Everything WILL be fine. Being afraid is natural and it is one of our greatest motivators. I know, I use it often. Life is full of small failures like missed appointments, blowing an interview, hell, even a somewhat disappointing drawing of a unicorn. It is how we handle the failures that define us. Not the victories. Real joy comes from toiling and learning from our mistakes, overcoming our obstacles. I understand that it is difficult to get moving when fear has a grip on your heart and your confidence. No matter what happens you know that Mom, Dad, Jaymie, Mark, and I will be here to pick you up, boot you in the ass, or cheer wildly for you depending on what the situation calls for. And you know that we will sit quietly beside you if that is what you need also. Not just because we love you but because of the woman you are. We love you and we are proud of you. Keep your chin up and if you need someone to put a spur under your saddle on the portfolio call me. I love to "motivate".
I'll look and see what is available at Genzyme. We have offices in almost every state.
I love you and remember, you draw GREAT unicorns! Now leave your hair in your head.
I can totally relate. What usually works for me is looking back over my life at all of the uncertainties and realizing that so far, things tend to work out ok, or at least not as bad as I feared. So I think, "Why would this situation be any different?" Of course, I always have that nagging dread of, "What if my 'luck' has run out this time?" That certainly doesn't help. And sometimes I think it's not so much a fear of the unknown as much as it is dreading the necessary steps. Some may call it laziness on my part, but I prefer "caution," or something.
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