STRESSED AND TIRED AND THEN SOME

It's 4 a.m.

IN THE MORNING.

I'm sitting up in the living room awake with a headache, presumably caffeine induced (I know! I'm pregnant and I didn't entirely STOP drinking caffeine?! I must be a horrid, ugly monster of a mother who doesn't deserve a baby because I obviously can't make the proper choices to ensure her safety and well-being. Yeah, well, f*ck you and your judgements, whatever the hell they may be, and might I add I rather enjoyed that tea I just had to make up for the caffeine I haven't had in four days), and a backache.

Yes, the headache is subsiding after drinking that aforementioned cup of tea. No, not before making me bitter and resentful. BECAUSE IT IS 4 IN THE GODDAMN MORNING.

And honestly, had I not had the doctors visit I had this afternoon, it probably wouldn't be bothering me quite this much. A pain in the ass, yes, but not necessarily fraught with worry and speculation (except if you know me at all you know that's a dirty, rotten lie because all I do is worry and speculate).

I was doing so good you guys! I really was! Sure, I may have felt huge and disgusting but up until week 20, I'd only gained 4 pounds. FOUR! Between then and this afternoon... I gained 15. IN FIVE WEEKS. And sure, the holidays but other than a bag of candy and a few excess cookies, I really can't think of how I did so much worse these last 5 weeks than I did any of the previous 20. Especially when I weighed myself a week ago and, unless my mind is going, was only expecting a 5 pound gain. (Holy frickin' god, how could I have been that far off?)

But wait, there's more! I have high blood-pressure. High enough they want me to come in today (tomorrow?) to have it checked again. And then again in a week.

Now, combined with the fact that I can't sleep because of a headache, albeit one that I 95% guarantee is from CAFFEINE WITHDRAWL (most notably because it eased up remarkably AFTER I DRANK SOME CAFFEINE), there is still the 5% chance that I might have preeclampsia. And trust me. I spent the first part of my early morning doing some quick research and know that should I have it, there isn't anything I could have done to prevent it, but that doesn't make me feel any better. That isn't preventing me from freaking the hell out for all of you to witness while I sit alone in the living at (now) 4:30 in the morning crying. And I know full well Adam is going to read this at work tomorrow and probably be upset that I didn't waking him up but why should both of us be tormented by the demons in my head when it will suffice to just let me stew in them?

And the crying is bringing back the headache.

AGH!