WHAT TO EXPECT WHEN I'M EXPECTING

Because I'm sure you're all dying to know, I wanted to give you a little rundown of this pregnancy business thus far. In no particular order:

• I am pathetically emotionally fragile. Case in point: I have cried in utter frustration while at work this week. Twice. So far.



• My joints, particularly those in my hips and upper thighs, feel as though someone has been using them as a punching bag.



• As a result of the above mentioned, I am now waddling. You'll shut the hell up if you know what's good for you.



• I have been diagnosed with gestational diabetes and am now on a relatively strict diet and medication AND I get to stabby myself 4 times a day to note my blood sugar level.



• Despite being told by my doctor and dietitian and the interwebs that it isn't my fault and there is nothing I could have done to prevent it, it still really bothers me that I'm broken, which leads me to crave comfort foods in the form of macaroni and cheese and donuts. Both of which I am not allowed to have.



• My belly button is no longer centered on my belly, preferring to hang out off the the right.



• I have cankles. Despite what all of you are thinking to the contrary, that is not at all funny.



• My sinuses aren't playing nice resulting in the necessity of the very sexy, height-of-fashion bedtime accessory of a Breath-Right Strip. You know you want me.



• I have yet to arrange a pediatrician or child care. Both of which I really should have before she's born. As in, THEY WILL NOT LET ME LEAVE THE HOSPITAL WITHOUT HAVING SCHEDULED HER FIRST DOCTOR'S APPOINTMENT.



• Her nursery is STILL not done. At best, we have a place for her to sleep and a method by which to feed her (that would be mah boobies.)



• I have consciously made the decision to wear brown shoes with a black top because at that point I was already dressed and they were more comfortable. However, this was not before doing it unintentionally because I FORGOT WHAT I WAS WEARING.